I've been offline for days, in a sleeping daze, trying to switch back to sleeping during the night and being awake during the day.

Ugh.

I'm catching up on emails & voicemails & LJ & LinkedIn & Twitter & Facebook & whatever-the-hell else right now, but I'm also trying to get a couple of contracts done, so please be patient. Thanks.

Everything feels off these days. ( Whinging. )

Poo.

My boyfriend is an excellent cook.

I just finished some of his home-made raspberry applesauce. Yum.

I like the musical stylings of these two: http://www.youtube.com/user/pomplamoosemusic

Funny: "You are being shagged by a rare parrot." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1vfsHYiKY

Kashiwa Mystery Cafe: http://www.cabel.name/2009/09/kashiwa-mystery-cafe.html

I finally got some sleep. I hadn't gotten much at all (for a normal person, which is like getting tiny droplets of sleep for me) for days and then I got some decent sleep with the help of Tylenol PM. It stopped the flaming agony of my back muscles and eased the hips-to-head tension that not-sleeping had been causing and that was, in turn, interrupting what sleep I was getting. Broke the vicious cycle and all. Yay for modern medicine.

I also showered. Rare on a Monday and a good thing for all concerned.

And now I'm going to perpetuate the good end of the cycle and go to bed before 2am.

My head is full of fluffy... um... fluff. And time dilation. Sometimes I wish there was a hole in my head so I could poke my brain.

Er. Right then. Goodnight.

Sorry for the silence folks - slept 26 hours, from 10pm Tuesday night until midnight Wednesday (and it's now Thursday morning). Guess I was tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Finally saw the sleep psychiatrist on Tuesday afternoon. (It was the soonest I could see her when I made the call a couple months ago.) Mostly I just laid out all my medical & mental difficulties, so I don't have much of a sense of her except that she's nice & sympathetic. I also signed waivers to let her talk to my Primary Care physician, my psych. nurse, and my neurologist. I'm really hoping she can help coordinate my overall care, even if she doesn't become my therapist (Walpole is a long drive).

She agreed I'm complicated & she wants to switch my medication. She gave me the option to think about it, but since I've now heard that from my PC AND my neurologist, hearing it from a Psychiatrist specializing in sleep issues was the third strike. I'm ramping down the Paxil and starting Prozac as soon as I fill the 'scrip.

I'll see her again in 3 weeks, although she said if I hate the Prozac, give a her a call.

I'm terrified, to be honest.

But it's forward movement, so we'll see.

That is all.

Both psych calls returned (one on Wednesday, one this morning):

One appointment, a month from now, an hour south.

One turn-down, not accepting patients at this time.

Answer to my email about the possible third person (whose number came back disconnected) indicated that "this is not the psych you are looking for, move along."

Two more names to try. More research to do on missing 6th.

Tiny steps. Not even baby steps, cuz babies is all excited to be walkin' and I'm not enjoying this grindingly slow forward progress.

Of the 6 psych numbers I have, I called 3 today. Despite the calls happening before 5pm, got voicemail for the first. Left a message. The 2nd was disconnected. Spent five minutes on hold waiting to get to the right person to make an appt. with the 3rd; ended up in voicemail anyway.

I googled the 2nd's name & emailed some possible contact addresses for her people to see if she's the person I'm seeking. Also emailed my psych nurse & asked her to remind me which one is the classic Analyst with whom I probably wouldn't get along.

Oog. Hate the phone, hate talking to strangers, hate asking for help, but FUCK I'm tired.

I've gone to sleep around midnight the last couple nights and woken up around noon, whereupon I've gotten out of bed.

It's pretty weird. But in a good way.

I think it has something to do with seriously breaking my sleep schedule last week by skipping a night's sleep at least once, possibly twice. Almost definitely twice, but over more than seven days. I think. Can't remember now.

The brain elevator ain't going all the way to the top. Perpend...

Today's errand, wherein I meant to visit CVS, Cambridge Naturals, Porter Square Books, and Shaw's resulted in me getting out of the house in time to make it to Cambridge Naturals but stopping to chat with neighbors such that I got there about 2 minutes after it closed, then realizing I'd forgotten the prescription I needed to drop at CVS. I proceeded to wander around the Porter Square Bookstore because they didn't have any of the books I wanted (which I discovered after finally giving up and asking). Then I failed to stop by Shaw's because I couldn't remember what the hell I wanted there. (Something I can't get at Stop & Shop, where we went food shopping earlier in the week, but damned if I can remember what.)

Dude.

Goin' to bed now because I'm actually sleepy. Hallelujah.

Nota Bene: I'll be at the Million Year Picnic tomorrow (Sunday) from around 2pm til closing, at 9pm.

Saw the sleep doctor again today. ( More... )

I feel helpless and overwhelmed.

Fortunately, I do NOT feel the yawning pit of badness akin to the last 3 months.

So! Any day that doesn't end in a sucking chest wound is a good one, eh?

Ok, I just sort of burst through the other side of this depressive episode. I've had 2.5 good days so far, hoping it lasts for more than a little while given that the depressive episode lasted over a month. Closer to two months. Shit. Maybe 2.5 months. Damn.

Hmm. The shift up was weirdly abrupt given how gradual the slide down was... my brain almost hurts with all the positive juice flowing through it.

Anyway, notes to myself: ( More... )

OK, I've stayed up WAY TOO LATE... early... I'm gonna crash. I should probably just stay awake, but I don't really have any deadlines tomorrow, er today... y'know, Monday.

I flunked my sleep test.

The ONE THING I study on a more-than-regular basis, you'd think I'd score better. ( But no. )

They might have me do another sleep study plus daytime testing at some point in the future, but they'll probably have to argue with my health care provider to get it covered.

*sigh*

This was my third sleep study. No matter how much I sleep-deprive or sleep-saturate myself, I do NOT sleep well at these damn things. I just don't. I'm not sure what trying again will do for data collection. It'll probably just piss me off.

I spent Sunday curled around my belly and feeling generally crappy. Didn’t make it into work. After sleeping all day, I couldn't get to sleep that night til after 3am; thus I didn't get much sleep before 8am, when I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. (Third damn day in a row; woke up at 6am both Saturday & Sunday & couldn’t sleep again.) Then the roofers needed me to do stuff and leaned on the doorbell starting at 10am until I finally came downstairs 20 minutes later. (We’re having our leaky roof replaced and 2 skylights put in for better venting.) In case they needed me again, I stayed dressed and awake all Monday morning, fuckin' around online.

Then Monday afternoon was spent waiting to meet, and having a long talk with, my new sleep doctor. This is the fellow who's in charge of the sleep center (Neurocare) where I recently had my sleep study. ( more )

So, on the upside, despite the fact that we had to talk about my weight, he's not blaming it for the sleep problems (it falls under his treat-the-whole-person philosophy). Also, he admits he doesn’t know what's going on with me and that my case is complicated. And he’s nice, smart, friendly, and startlingly cheerful.

The downside is that I still don't have an answer. I still have fucked up sleep and bonus exhaustion. As I knew there wouldn't be, there's no silver bullet. But man, I was really hoping. There's always a first time!

Today (Tuesday) the roofers ripped off and replaced half our roof and also installed one of the two skylights. Really nice work. However, the ripping and hammering started at 7:30am, leaving me a wrecked zombie hiding on the first floor couch where I dozed and muttered and got nothing useful done all damn day.

Less sick. Still coughing. Worked at MYP yesterday.

Got a new phone on Friday (Motorola Razr V3). Slowly re-adding phone numbers.

Sleeping is tough with the congestion, so I'm extra bonus tired.

It's official. Two separate doctors agree (having individually reviewed the detailed report of my sleep study but not having spoken with each other yet) that I have a sleep problem.

They're just not sure if it's neural or breathing-related... more doctor talks scheduled.

I managed to hang on long enough to get someone to believe me and find it.

I feel like a secondary plot line on House.

Slept thru Wednesday. Missed many phone calls. Scared to listen to voicemail.

No sleep before work Thursday.

Pattern detected.

I survived Arisia. ( All that and more... )

Emailed people about Circlet things, emailed the folks who owe me money (the check I was expecting), made plans for later in the week, updated my calendar, looked into deadlines. I'm feeling surprisingly functional. I have things to do Wednesday, work at MYP on Thursday, a hand-off of flyers and a dinner date with friends for Friday, plans for the home show at the Bayside Expo center on Saturday, more MYP on Sunday... definitely not the effervescence of a couple weeks ago, but a bit energetic and quite clear-minded.

It's the clear-mindedness that I'm valuing the most right now. I can do more than one task in sequence. I can remember things from one part of the day and get next steps done later in the day. I can plan. I didn't realize how stressful my diminished cognition had been. Yay!

Sorry I've been so quiet. (In the unlikely event that you noticed.)

I had a nice New Years, fun at work at MYP on the 2nd, but then I slept all day Saturday (which was nice in one way - I'd nailed a bunch of deadlines and really did feel completely relaxed; but bad in another way, because I lost the energy I'd been experiencing for getting out of bed), then a LOT of MYP work Sunday, then a sleep study Monday night, then a desperate attempt at sleep recovery on Tuesday, which failed with bad digestive consequences, leading to an absent-minded Wednesday (which also contained a nap) and thus I am not in bed now.

I know, I know, confusing. If only I had some sort of flow tool to help keep it organized! And the motivation to, y'know, chart it.

In the next few weeks/month I need to get the artists' alley set up for Arisia (not to mention laundry and other related necessities for con attendance), make an appt. with my PC to discuss the sleep study, go to already-scheduled appt.s with my Endocrinologist (to talk about my med change and the results of the hormone panel for which they drew blood before the holidays) and my Dermatologist (annual skin check), schedule a hearing test, work on a bunch of MYP stuff, work on a bunch of Circlet stuff, and find new clients for my editing business.

On the plus side, right up until Friday I'd been experiencing a rare working combination of prescription drugs and mood that meant I was getting out of bed quickly and easily, which lead to getting work done. BUT, the last 5 days haven't been so good, both mood-wise and sleep-wise. I'm hoping that's because I screwed my sleep schedule and haven't had any deadlines to hit. I'm REALLY hoping that I'll get back to hopping out of bed in a pleasant mood and getting things done, because that was fuckin' cool and felt good.

I'm completely healthy. I had a long list of things tested against samples of my blood and urine and all of my numbers are pretty much perfect.

I feel really weird saying this, given that some of my friends are emphatically not healthy right now. But here we are.

So, per discussion with my Doc about where the hell to go next, I've made appointments with a new endocrinologist and a new sleep study place (not Mount Auburn Hospital this time). Neurocare, Inc. has already emailed me instructions and questionnaires after making my appointment earlier today.

I'll be discussing a different type of thyroid medication with the endo and getting checked (again) for sleep apnea, RLS, narcolepsy, and whatever the hell else they can see on the measurement tools during the sleep study.

So I'll have more data in about 10 days, although if I change thyroid meds, it'll probably be upwards of 90 days before I know for sure how it's working.

And I have plans for next steps, partly depending upon the outcome of these appointments.

I've also determined that Provigil, even at the ridiculously low levels at which I consume it, increases my blood pressure and borks my sleep for days.

Plus, while I'm being all health-conscious, I made a dermatology appointment for my semi-regular skin check (I have multiple skin conditions; prevailing medical opinion is that I should get my skin checked by a professional every year; I manage it every other year or so) and I'm probably going to get my hearing levels checked. (I got a baseline measurement a couple years ago when I started having a dramatic increase in the ringing that usually indicates you're losing the ability to detect a particular tone... time to compare to the baseline.)

Finally (or, at least, finally in health news), I broke my damn pedometer today. I've been counting steps the last month or so, trying to increase the most basic level of exercise. It was a lousy day and that was the bitter crouton on top of my crankiness soup.

This day is SO fired. I'm going to sleep.

I don't get insomnia!!! I mean *I* do NOT get INSOMNIA!!!

Well, of course, I understand it in the abstract, but it's usually not a problem for me...

Fuck insomnia right in the ear with a big cup of boiling hot tea.

Sweet baby jeebus in da hay, what a fookin' day.

This morning (Thursday), I woke up around 7:45am cuz I failed to set one alarm correctly. But, I have two alarms, so it was OK. The BF went off to shower & I dozed. When he was done, I asked him to bring me some tea before he left (we have one of those instant coffee or tea machines, so this isn't like asking for breakfast in bed) and I prepared for the Fight To Wake Up.

The Fight To Wake Up (FTWU), as previously discussed (ad infinitum, ad nauseum), is what I have to deal with pretty much every time I achieve some level of consciousness.

Instead, there was no FTWU. I was quite awake. And my brain felt like it was floating in my head... like it was lighter than gravity and it was gently floating exactly in the middle of the giant space that is the inside of my head. No urge to lay back down, no desire to doze.

It felt... nice.

And I thought, "Huh. That's different."

Then my tea arrived and, distracted, I lost the feeling. Or it went away. I dunno, it was pretty odd.

And I wondered, "Maybe that's what happiness feels like?"

Later, complaining about a certain amount of muzzy-headed-ness in trying to find a particular comic late in the day, a customer commented that I must have kittens for brains. And I really like that image, sort of pouncy, fluffy goodness just running around inside my head and bouncing off the sides of my skull case, playing with the anti-gravity in the giant expanse.

Or mebbe I have a happy tumor. Whatever. My day has officially achieved its maximum amount of weirdness-I-can-handle. I'm goin' to bed.

41 hours awake
34 hours asleep

I missed Saturday.